Riley has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, like, ever. They're a mixture of blue and green, both colours are bright and clear, they sort of swirl into each other and they are beautiful. They were also looking at me, and as it was dark I couldn't properly see them, but I could completely remember them.
"You're staring again." He whispered running his fingers over my chin, and down my neck, "What are you staring at?" He asked resting his fingers on my collarbone, it felt nice.
"Nothing." I whispered back because he mocks cutesy things, and I feel awkward saying them. "I'm trying not to fall asleep."
"You can fall asleep." He whispered back then laughed.
"You say that, then you flick me until I wake back up." I replied and heard his muffled laugh. I think Riley mostly reminded me of a cartoon character, he had lifted the duvet up over his mouth and nose and was blinking at me over it, the darkness was hiding his bright orange hair, and no, he's not ginger, he genuinely dyed his hair orange, but with his bright orange hair and green blue eyes, he reminded me of a cartoon character and I think I loved him.
"I promise I won't flick you." He said, I laughed,
"Liar!" I whispered loudly which made him laugh out loud, making us both try to disguise the sound and not wake up my parents, my obvious solution to conceal the sound was by kissing him and, well, it worked.
We never woke up in the same position that we'd fell asleep. This morning, I woke up and found Riley had moved his pillow to my arm and was still sound asleep on it, I'd curled into his pillow half using his, and half using mine. I decided, as I couldn't move without disturbing Riley to go back to sleep and I did, until he decided to wake me up.
"You're so mean." I moaned, he laughed whilst lowering his head onto his pillow so all I could see was his eyes and bed headed hair, I decided I needed my glasses to be able to appreciate my view more.
"Ha! You've put your glasses on, that means you're officially awake." Riley stated,
"No, it means I just wanted to see you." I said, he 'ughed' and stuck his tongue out to me so I did back then took my glasses back off.
“No, no not allowed, you’re not allowed to decided your no longer awake.” He said, I laughed.
“You’re so demanding.” I said then I looked at him. “We need to leave the house today.”
“We do not.”
“Yes we do.”
“Not.” He replied then buried himself in my quilt so I put my glasses on the table and closed my eyes again, he began to flick me.
We finally decided we had to go outside, we'd put it off the longest we could but now we had to go outside and neither of us wanted to.
"One last moment of complaining?" Riley said so turned to him, seeing him sat on my bed, his binder and jeans on and a trainer on his knee,
"Ugh outside! Ugh fresh air, ugh, ugh, ugh!" I declared, he laughed and fastened his laces.
"That was good complaining, a good use of complaint time." He said whilst picking up the other trainer,
"Thank you, I try to use my time well." I replied, "How necessary is this trip to the outside?" I queried, he sighed but I heard the laugh.
"You need to get your prescription." He said, I huffed at him.
"You need to get your dye."
"Exactly!" He said, "Necessary." He added, "Otherwise roots!" He declared, I laughed as he stood,
"I think mines more important." I said, "Honestly," I added, he rolled his eyes,
"Roots!" He repeated hitting my chest slightly so I knocked my forehead against his as he took a step towards me, then he kissed me which made me smile. "You're packed." He said, I nodded to him.
"We're going outside." I said, he almost smirked and I knew, just knew he'd thought of something dirty. "Put a top on." I said laughing, "Unless you want to go out like this?"
"Not today, no." He said, "Later, maybe." He added then went to his backpack and got a jumper out. "Right! I think we can do this in an hour." He stated, I nodded to him.
"But, I want food." I said as he picked up his backpack, "So, hour and a half." I said.
"Cool." He said then he high-fived me, "Dye, food, doctors."
"Chemist." I said, "I've had enough doctors for the time being." I said then followed him out my bedroom, shouting a goodbye to a probably empty house and stepping out into the far too cold outside. We spent most of the walk to the bus stop searching through our pockets to find enough bus fare, somehow we succeeded.
"It's going to be shit when college starts again." Riley said, as he took the seat next to me on the bus, "Not only with the whole going outside, but, the lack of sleepovers also." He continued, so I smiled at him. "What? What does that smile mean?"
"I'm just smiling." I said, he shook his head, "You still sleepover regardless of a nine am college start, because," I began, he laughed.
"Because your house is closer." He said, "Be quiet." He added so I nudged his knee with my own, which started a knee war. "I'm going to have to go home tonight." He said then grabbed my knee so I wouldn't bash it against his again.
"That sucks." I said, he agreed,
"It means, when we've done our mission, I'm getting the bus home, otherwise I will never leave." He said, I laughed.
"Are you going to dye your hair?" I asked, he shook his head,
"I am going to sleep." He stated, "Sleep for days, until I see you again."
I've known Riley since I was in school, I may have been fourteen when we met, he had just moved to our sixth form, he was sixteen, almost seventeen and had been forced to come to my class and tell us all about sixth form. That was the first time I met him, really, but we both agree the actual first time I met him, I was fifteen, he was seventeen and we were at a party. I was trying to work out how much beer I could get away with drinking and he'd surpassed my limit, we simply spoke to each other, I knew of him, there were many whispers around school of him, most of them intrigued me rather than scared me and he definitely left an impression on me - from that day on I knew I was going to go to our sixth form. We did actually become friends but at the time I was a fifteen-year-old girl. He sometimes was very conscious of that fact and kept our friendship reasonable at all times, when I turned sixteen and he was still seventeen he asked me out. I said yes. We've been together ever since with no short term breaks, with no little tiffs, we've been together since that day when I was sixteen. I was going through a lot at that point in time, I mean, sure, I was going through all the cliché sixteen year old exam drama but I was also questioning a lot and trying to figure a lot out. That summer was when I went on the pill, to stop my periods, I started to dress in bagger clothes and got my hair cut really short, I stopped shaving my legs almost in a protest and Riley was there for it all, near the end of the summer he had come over to my house, we'd been playing video games most of the day but he told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about, he told me that he thought I was like him, he had been thinking it for a while and had finally decided to bring it up. He explained it all to me that afternoon in my living room, he explained who he was, he explained what dysphoria was, he explained about the surgeries, the hormones, he told me everything, the next month I began identifying as a he and requested others did so also. I started in sixth form as a male, and changed my name to Kieran with help from Riley and a baby name website. Coming out to my parents was harder but Riley helped, Riley helped a lot. When I tell people how I figured it out a lot of people question me, they state that I think I'm only this way because Riley is and when we break up - which we’re so not going to do - I'll go back to identifying as a girl, I know I won't, I know that I am a boy called Kieran and I know that because of many, many things.
Riley was put on testosterone when he was eighteen, I believe I was still sixteen at the time, I went to the doctor’s appointment with him, after reading all his letters with him I was excited whilst also being sickly jealous that he was actually being put on testosterone. He had been identifying as male for four years by then and it had taken him that long to successfully get diagnosed, I had been identifying as male for three months and I already yearned to be where he was. I'm still waiting to be professionally diagnosed, although I have seen many gender therapists, they keep taking me so far then letting me go, we've been through a lot together already we became very close very quickly and we trusted each other deeply almost from the start, he helped me find myself and I helped him be himself and we still do. Riley's twenty now and is awaiting a letter that will tell him the date of his top surgery, he lives with me on and off because home isn't the best place for him at the moment (or for the last seven years.) even though my home environment isn't good, it's better than his, although his residence in my house has caused many debates between my parents and I as they see Riley as a twenty year old man and still see me as a nineteen year old girl, the debates never end well but always end with Riley being able to sleep in my bed. Riley gave me my first binder, it was one of his older ones as his chest continued to grow before he was put on T, his binders had to grow also, he gave me one of his smaller ones as I had and still have a smaller chest than him. On my seventeenth birthday we pooled together and bought a new binder for me and when I was eighteen I bought one for myself, along with my packer, it was an expensive week but so very worth it. Of course, there are things unrelated to gender in our past, we've been through a lot together. I helped (read: forced) him back into college, he is now studying Game Design and loving it, he tells me regularly how much he is loving it whilst I'm studying an undergraduate course in IT, we help each other out appropriately. He bought me my first alcoholic drink. I paid for our first meal together with the money from my first job in a bowling alley. He made me take my first fake sick day from work, so we could lie in bed all day and practically do nothing. He also helped me quit that job rather than quit college. We took each other virginities in almost every way. He was the first person I have ever told I love them and him to me.
“You dyed your hair.” I declared as Riley walked towards me then he laughed.
“I couldn’t resist.” He declared, I tilted my head.
“Intending pink?” I queried, he nodded.
“I walked past it on the way home, I had no choice but to buy it and apply it.” he said then he put his arms out to me, so I cuddled him, “How was college?”
“Ugh.” I said, he laughed.
“Same.” He replied, “And I’m going to make it more ‘ugh’ as I can’t come home with you.”
“Riley, that is dreadful news.” I said, he smiled. “You so owe me food.”
“I can fulfil that.” He said then began to walk me out the college building.
“You brought earrings as well didn’t you.”
“What gave me away?” he asked, I just looked at him until he laughed, “Okay, fair enough.” He said so I grinned at him and continued walking with him.
“Is that you?” I heard my Dad call and I heard the hesitation as he decided my name.
“Yeah, it’s me.” I replied, not giving him the chance to choose my name.
“Did you bring in your tea?”
“So no boyfriend either then?” he asked then he appeared, so I looked at him, “No?” he asked, I shook my head.
“Good.” I murmured slightly then nodded up the stairs, he nodded back.
“I’ll make hot dogs.” He said so I nodded to him then began up the stairs hoping he wouldn’t ask me any more questions, he didn’t until I appeared downstairs unpacked and with an extra baggy hoodie because I’d taken my binder off.
“Ketchup and mustard? Yeah?” he asked, I nodded.
“Of course.” I said, he looked at me briefly and he smiled so I smiled back because I could with my Dad, he was easier to be the same with than my Mum. After coming out apparently I was a completely different person and that could not be dealt with at all. Dad however enjoyed the idea of a son and still overfed me like he used to.
“I am shocked Riley isn’t with you.” He said as we sat with the mini pile of hot dogs.
“Why?” I asked,
“He’s always with you.” He said, I hummed.
“True.” I said, he laughed, “He’s such a clingy boyfriend.” I declared, Dad laughed so I smiled at him.
“When is he twenty-one?”
“Next week.” I said then nodded, “Next Wednesday. But I think we’re celebrating on the Friday as that makes far more sense.”
“It does make far more sense.” He said then he smiled. “I’ll pick you guys up, if you like, so that you can drink?”
“Thanks.” I said nodding, “I appreciate that.” I added then I turned because the door began to unlock. “I’m going upstairs.” I said then picked up the last hot dog.
“Kieran.” He said so I shook my head at him, but smiled all the same then went up the stairs, just missing the front door opening to my Mum.
Riley turned twenty-one and to celebrate he invited a few friends and me to a bar for food and drinks. I knew his friends, kind of, I knew them enough that I could be around them but I'm not overly friendly with any of them, I think together they could make a boyband: Riley, Matthew, Luke, Kaiden, Liam and Jordan. Kaiden and Luke are like us, we met them through the support networks, the rest are old school friends who've stuck with him therefore they all win points in my book.
"I hope you're taking our Riley home." Liam stated as he set down a tray full of pints, I laughed.
"Yes! He is coming home with me." I said whilst taking my chosen pint off the tray. "I will act the older and look after him." I said, Riley scoffed.
"I'm not that bad." He said then coughed, spluttering his beer down his chin so I rolled my eyes in the direction of Kaiden,
"Wow, it's like you're babysitting him." He said, I nodded.
"It always has been. He used to have to drag him to our meetings." Luke said, amusing me successfully.
"Oh I did. I bribed him with chocolate." I said, "It worked for the most part."
"Then I got cleverer than him." Riley stumbled so I laughed.
"Is the beer taking effect?" I cooed, Riley rolled his eyes.
"You're so mean to me." He whined then looked up at Jordan who tapped his shoulder,
"What's your spirit?" He asked, Riley frowned.
"He drinks Malibu." I said, "Even if he frowns at you, I swear he does."
"Babysitting." Kaiden repeated then nudged my side to make me move.
"Vodka." I replied, "I guess." I added, Jordan's nodded then walked to the bar.
I think I lost track of Riley. Okay so the bar wasn't that big but once I began catching up with Luke and Kaiden, I just lost track of Riley during that time. I soon retrieved him, he literally appeared then sat himself on my knee.
"Oh! Boyfriend." I said, he smiled drunkly at me. "How much have you drank?"
"Enough." He murmured then ran his forehead across my cheek so I laughed and looked at Kaiden and Luke.
"Babysitting." I said, they both grinned,
"I need the toilet." Riley added, I sighed.
"This is going to get messy." Kaiden said which actually made me laugh so Riley looked at him, "Would you like some help?"
"I don't even want to help him." I said, Riley tutted at me,
"Let me buy you a drink." Riley stated, poking my chest.
"No, that is the exact opposite of what we need to do right now." I said, Riley groaned,
"You're no fun when you're drunk." He said so I laughed.
"Oh yeah, because you're sober." I replied then ran my fingers through his hair, making him lean his head back and sigh very happily.
"I AM sober." Riley declared then sighed deeper as I ran my fingers over his buzz cut.
"I thought he was a worst drunk." Luke said laughing, "But, he seems to be like reverting to child." He said, I nodded slowly then stroked behind his ears, he laughed.
"He's not as drunk as he could be." I said then was head butted, "I've seen him worst." I added and heard him laugh so I looked at him,
"Tickled." He said, I stopped stroking his ears then turned his head and kissed him lightly,
"Come on, I'll battle the bathroom with you - because that should be fun." I said.
"We're here to help." Kaiden said then took a sip out of his drink whilst Luke raised his glass.
"I love you guys, I really do." I said then began the battle that was actually getting Riley off my knee, I succeeded somehow and only had to take his hand to get him to walk with me. "Do you feel drunk?" I queried, he laughed.
"I'm sober." He replied so I pulled him closer to me,
"How old are you today?"
"I don't know." He whispered then appeared to go into crisis mode. "Oh my god boyfriend how old am I today?" He asked then stood where he was, his eyes wide as he counted on his fingers,
"Calm down." I said and took a hold of his hands, "You're twenty-one."
"Man am I old." He replied, making me laugh. "You're nineteen." He said then he gasped, "You're so little."
"I love you." I said laughing and he grinned, seeming rather proud of himself so I continued our walk, taking him to the disabled toilets as I thought it'd be easier to battle him in there. He apparently didn't actually need the toilet, he needed to throw up into it. It impressed me that he actually waited and made it to the toilet, although he slid down the wall and sat on the floor and after inspecting it, I joined him there, wrapping my arm around his shoulders and resting my head against his. "Do you want to go home?" I queried, he nodded, "Have you enjoyed your twenty-first?"
"You're nineteen." He replied, I buried my face in his hair to laugh.
"I'm tired." He said then he hummed. "Very tired."
"So sober." He replied so I grinned.
"Does that mean you were sick because of food poisoning?"
"No, because of the alcohol." He replied so I laughed more openly then looked at my phone for the time.
"You made it to midnight." I said, "No wonder you're drunk. I'm sorry for abandoning you."
"It doesn't matter." I replied, then kissed the top of his head, "Come on let's go home."
Luckily as my dad had told me before we left he was going to pick us up, that I was very grateful for and after hugging all the friends in turn, I took Riley and lead him to my car.
"Are you sure you don't need the toilet again?" I queried, wanting to make sure he didn't throw up in my dad’s car, because he will have to clean it in the morning.
"No." He replied then looked at me. "Do you need to with your plastic willy?" He asked and it instantly made me laugh.
"Get on the car Riley!" I said then pushed his shoulder, successfully getting him into the car and acknowledging the fact my dad was there.
"How drunk is he?" Dad asked, I laughed.
"Not as drunk as he could be." I said as Riley decided my shoulder was a pillow, so I began stroking his hair again.
"And how much did you drink?" He queried,
"A few pints. Some vodka and coke." I said, "Nothing too bad." I continued seeing dad nod then look in the rear-view mirror at Riley, so I did. He was in a complete daze, looking forward. I think he wanted to go to sleep but couldn't quite get there so I kissed his forehead, it made him smile. Dad passed back a bottle of water which I barely had to offer to Riley before he took it and drank it down. Dad did help me get Riley to my bedroom then left me to my own devices, being quite amused as he left. I turned back to Riley, seeing him as he began to strip for bed, he got down to his binder and boxers with no trouble so I changed for bed myself, turning as I did and seeing him wrestling with his binder.
"You want to take it off?" I queried, he nodded then gave up, leaving the binder hunched up around his chest. I helped the best I could but binders aren't easy to get off sober, so are impossible to get off drunk. Once I got it to a place he could lift it over his head I went and got my blanket, wrapping it around him because I knew he had trouble with his chest, he's always had bad feelings about his chest and he wouldn't appreciate me seeing it without his sober permission. He took the blanket easily but I think that was because it was soft, then he homed in on my bed, getting underneath the duvet and almost instantly going to sleep, I followed not too long after.
"Oh god! What happened?" Riley said, I opened my eyes and looked at him then I laughed because I don't think I'd ever seen him look so confused before. "Oh no, does that mean it was bad."
"No, no it wasn't. Actually, you regained your dignity quite well."
"What happened to everyone?"
"Kaiden and Luke went home when we did. Liam, Jordan and Matt went to some clubs." I said then I shrugged at him, "They all seemed to have had a good time."
"You were drunk, but, not too drunk just a bit ditsy and tired." I said, "You did throw up though."
"I know, I can taste it." He said, I pulled a face at him which made him laugh.
"I brought you home, dad picked you up." I said, he hummed,
"And the blanket?"
"You stripped, then had a fight with your binder, so I helped you take it off, but, gave you the blanket because I figured you didn't want me looking at your chest." I said, he kissed me, "Ew, you can taste the sick." I said, he laughed.
"Thank you." He said then leant his head against mine. "I'm so tired." He said, "And warm." He added so I shuffled backwards enough to open my drawer, getting out a normal vest and giving it to him then helped him manoeuvre the blanket and vest without either of us sitting up.
“Did you enjoy your birthday?”
“I don’t completely remember it.” He said then he sighed, “Which sounds about right, when we’re describing one of my nights out.” He said thoughtfully then he laughed. “I have a problem; I think I need to change support groups.” He said so I laughed, until I looked up because there was a knock on my door.
“Dad.” He said, I smiled slightly, “I thought the drunk would be hungry.”
“The drunk is.” Riley replied amusing me, so I sat up, he soon followed then my Dad opened the door,
“I could only make one, otherwise mother would be suspicious, so full English.” He said then placed the tray on the bed, “Enjoy.” He added then he smiled, so I smiled back and passed Riley a fork. He ate the tomatoes, mushrooms and eggs, I ate the sausage, bacon and beans, we had this system down. We’d both officially gotten up and dressed when we took the plate down to the kitchen, it’d taken some motivation on Riley’s part but he had succeeded and surprised my Mum when we appeared and put the plate on the counter.
“Didn’t know you’d spent the night?” She said, Riley nodded.
“I didn’t know I’d spent the night until this morning either.” He replied and I laughed because I knew he wasn’t being sarcastic, he was being genuine.
“Post for you.” Mum said then turned to look at me, so I looked back at her,
“For me?” I asked, she sighed obviously frustrated.
“Yes.” She said then held the official looking envelope up to me.
“For Kieran?” I asked then I looked at Riley who took the envelope out of my Mum’s hand and offered it to me, his way of telling me to stop pushing my luck and to just read the damn letter. I almost threw up when I opened it, I recognised the logo straight away then I left the kitchen, Riley followed quite quickly after me, kneeling in front of me as I’d taken a seat on the stairs.
“Kieran?” He said so I looked at him, I just looked back at him, he frowned. “Kieran?”
“Read.” I said so he took the letter then he broke out in this fucking amazing smile.
“You’ve got your therapist appointment.” He said, I nodded, “To be put on T?”
“With the aim to be put on testosterone.” I said, he laughed.
“Kieran! That is amazing.” He stated, I nodded then I hugged him, still feeling like I was going to throw up and maybe cry at the same time. “Oh God Kieran, I thought something bad had happened.” He said then he hit me, “Don’t do that again, you hear me.” He said, so I smiled at him then I kissed him long and hard, until he grinned at me.
Intimacy was a very spontaneously planned thing. We never planned to do it but when we decided to, we planned the hell out of it. There are always limits, some days I don't like him touching below my stomach, most days he doesn't like me touching his chest, some days the lights have to be off, some days the binders stay on, other days all our clothes stay on. Tonight we'd both kept our binders on, his chest restraints were in place and I was very happy for him to roam where he pleased, the lights had been left off but that was because it was still sort of light outside so it gave the room a slightly blue tint. It had started because he was enjoying my legs too much, it ranged from tickling to tingling, I was stroking his stomach and we were both trying to keep the make out session going and we succeed as a whole, until he made it too tingly and I couldn't keep up the kiss, he replied with a breathy laugh.
"That took longer than usual." He said in a deep breath.
"You obviously weren't doing it right." I breathed back, he laughed harshly whilst squeezing my thigh. "You make it so hard not to just fuck you." I said, he laughed and kissed me again, long and deeply.
"You could use your hard pack." He whispered, I shook my head at him, more saying not tonight than never.
"I'd rather feel you tonight." I said, "I want to feel you." I repeated and felt as he ran his fingers up my thigh and stopped around the leg of my boxers.
"Happy?" He whispered, I nodded then watched as he reached behind him and picked up the bottle of lube.
"Artichoke." I said, our safe word, he agreed then he kissed me, which made me grin against him, feeling as he lifted my hand, laying it flat and squirted lube onto it. I repaid the favour for him. We did have rules about sex but I often think everyone should have rules about sex. Ours are simple, or at least our below the waist rules are simple: don't stare, don't question, don't laugh, it on a whole has worked out well for us, we've never had a disagreement over sex and hopefully never will.
"I love you." He whispered to me, I smiled.
"I'm hungry." I replied, he hit me. "Orgasm equals hunger, IT’S a compliment!" I said, he laughed then kissed me again before getting out of bed with me, putting our boxers on and sneaking downstairs for food. We ended up deciding on toast and having to take it all the way back upstairs to eat it.
"I think we're going to have to change the bed." Riley said whilst perching on the end of the bed, the furthest away from the mess that he could.
"It's icky!" He replied so I mocked him. "If you could see clearly you'd agree." He said, I laughed then sat beside him.
"Low blow going for the eye sight." I said, he laughed.
"Well everything else is perfect." He murmured, I scoffed.
"Lies! Such lies." I said, "Nice 'aw' moment but lies." I said, he attacked my mouth with toast. "Well fine!" I said whilst wiping my mouth, "But you're perfect too." I said, so he looked down as if checking himself out.
"LIES!" He declared so I shook my head whilst getting off my bed, holding my last piece of toast steady in my mouth then got new bedding out my cupboard,
"Well come on then, if we're both liars." I said, he laughed as I began to unfold the pillow cases then he appeared behind me, sliding his arms through mine and hugging my stomach.
"I didn't lie." He said, so I turned to look at him getting my nose bumped so I kissed him, feeling him turn me until he could cuddle me.
“We need to change the bed.” I said, he swayed with me, “Riley.” I almost sang at him, he laughed.
“I’d rather have sex again.” He whispered slightly so I raised an eyebrow at him, which got me a very childish grin back.
“I have my meeting tomorrow; I cannot be up having sex with you all night.”
“However much you might want to?”
“However much I might want to.” I repeated, so he grinned seeming very satisfied with that answer before taking the new sheets off me, it was obviously my job to remove the icky sheets.
“…Kieran.” She, my therapist stuttered, “Come and take a seat.” She added whilst eying me curiously, to be fair she had every right to because she did know me, I had been to see her before but she knew me as Caitlin, not as Kieran. “You’re very familiar.” She said, “I have to say, and I feel terrible because I remember all my clients.” She said, I smiled.
“To be fair, I’ve changed a bit.” I said and it was so very true, besides the obvious that I’d grown taller and older, I’d also cut my hair short, I’d changed my glasses from rectangular green monsters and obviously, I’ve started identifying as male.
“Caitlin?” She asked, I nodded whilst looking down. “I’m so sorry, does your birth name upset you?”
“No, not really. A lot of people still call me Caitlin, so, I’m unfortunately used to it.” I said, she hummed sounding saddened, “But, I prefer Kieran.” I said, she smiled.