I am sitting down on my couch looking through Twitter when a hashtag catches my interest (#10 billion five stars). Someone just posted a new comment about our President Führer Devil-Eggs. It is not uncommon to look at Twitter and notice the random insults that he has been receiving lately. Many people are not quite that happy with his executive orders as of late. Changing our federal holiday of Independence Day from July 4 to January 20 to commemorate our freedom from the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N. A. T. O.) by executive order is somewhat odd. Well nobody seemed to mind since even the United States Supreme Court decided that it was all right by a simple majority of five to four. Now I want to find out what this (#10 billion 5 stars) is all about. I scroll through the messages while I laugh at some of the comments from people on Twitter.
I find out that the hashtag (#10 billion five stars) is for President Führer Devil-Egg’s new book titled Mein Kampf: mit Crooked Hillary in der 2016 Präsidentschaftswahl.
I quickly copy and paste the title of President Führer Devil-Egg’s new book into Google translate to find out what the title means. I get a translation error message. Oh, I forgot that we can only view things in English or Russian since President Führer Devil-Eggs and Russian President Vladimir Putin made the Best Friends Forever Alliance. Our government censors all of the websites in other languages. I guess that his book title must be in Latin or some other obscure language. Nobody knows Latin anymore. President Devil-Eggs must want to sound smart by making his title in Latin.
This seems somewhat odd but people are already criticizing him for his latest autobiography, which sold one million books today on Amazon.com. The thing that I find odd is that the book has 10,000,000,000 or ten billion five star reviews already on Amazon.com on the first day of its release. That is rather sketchy since there are only seven billion people in the whole world. Well it is available on Amazon.com so maybe everyone read it and left positive reviews of it since you do not need to purchase the book to leave positive feedback. I continue to scroll down the hashtag to laugh at all of the responses from people on Twitter mostly fans of Crooked Hillary who lost the 2016 Presidential Election.
I wonder what President Devil-Eggs has to say about all of this? I turn to his personal account. I read his tweets to all of the people in the United States of America. The President of the United States of America has this special ability on his Twitter account. Whenever he uses the ‘@United States of America’ feature, he can send everyone in the United States of America a tweet to inform him or her of important information.
“@United States of America. Thank you for making my book number one on Amazon.com. Thank you for all of your support.”
“@United States of America. Thank you for all of your love today on Valentines Day February 14, 2017. Watch my live speech today on television. I love you too.”
“@United States of America you are backing a true winner today on launch day of my book. Please give positive feedback on Amazon.com or wherever you buy this book.”
“@United States of America continue the hashtag (#10 billion five stars) for your Führer Devil-Eggs. Together we will make America First in racism.”
“@United States of America, Mein Kampf: mit Crooked Hillary in der 2016 Präsidentschaftswahl the best book ever written by anyone in history!”
“@United States of America Mein Kampf: mit Crooked Hillary in der 2016 Präsidentschaftswahl sold more copies of it than the Bible in one hour.”
“@United States of America buy my new book Mein Kampf: mit Crooked Hillary in der 2016 Präsidentschaftswahl. Excuse Me! Paul Ryan loves my book too!”
“@United States of America Mein Kampf: mit Crooked Hillary in der 2016 Präsidentschaftswahl is huge! Excuse Me! Thank you all for your support.”
I stop to listen to the music around me coming from my neighbor’s house. Then I continue reading, “@United States of America don’t believe @NATO’s intelligence agencies lies about the golden showers sex tape with Russian prostitutes in a hotel room in Russia.”
“Intelligence agencies from @NATO should never have allowed this fake news to ‘leak’ into the public. One last shot at me & my fetishes.”
“@United States of America Are we living in Nazi Germany? No! Just Nazi America, that is why the Got Racist? Campaign ads came in 2016. G.O.P. in power!”
“@United States of America Your great Führer guarantees us victory with my Best Friend Forever (B. F. F.) Vladimir Putin and the B. F. F. Alliance.”
“@United States of America a Best Friend Forever (B. F. F.) Alliance already has Israel on our side. Devilcare Death Panels & Camps will not kill the Jews this time.”
“@United States of America. Alternative fact: Devilcare Death Panels & Camps are not Nazi Concentration Camps in America. Don’t listen to @NATO, @UN, or @Wikileaks.”
“@United States of America Alternative fact: Our new Mexico Wall is not like the Berlin Wall to keep Americans from escaping the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps.”
Then I notice that he begins to attack Social Security and Medicare, “@United States of America I have gotten rid of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. We must get rid of the weak in America to make America First.”
“@United States of America drain the swamp of Medicare, Social Security, Obamacare and spending on healthcare. Devilcare Death Panels & Camps solves it.”
“@AARP stop sending me letters to join your American Association of Retired People I don’t want to join since I am getting rid of your group soon.”
“@AARP I will fight against all of the members of your group they will not bring the pork barrel projects of Social Security and Medicare.”
“@AARP I will not let you guys ruin our budget ever again. No Social Security, No Medicare only medical death panels in the 2017 federal budget.”
“@United States of America President Führer Devil-Eggs new Devilcare heath system trumps Obamacare each time with its great medical death panels for all members.”
Here is the nice part mentioning our free government issued electronics. I clap excitedly, “@United States of America free government issued televisions, cell phones, and participation trophies for everyone. You can’t disable the camera on them.”
“@United States of America don’t listen to Edward @Snowden we are not using the electronics to spy on you suckers!”
I notice that he is now advertising his television shows. I read the following tweets, “@ United States of America, Watch the new season of my show The Jobber now hosted by Mr. Rush Limbaugh. Nobody can understand Arnold @Schwarzenegger on my show.”
“@United States of America Catch my new show Clown Presidents only on the Faux Network following The Simpsons on primetime Sunday.”
“@United States of America don’t worry my company Devil-Eggs Productions LLC creator of The Jobber also produces this successful show Clown Presidents.”
“@United States of America Catch my new show Clown Presidents where Vladimir Putin and President Führer Devil-Eggs will make you laugh in our new comedy show.”
“@United States of America, Der Rassist Bannon called our show Clown Presidents the best show in history. That is huge!”
“@United States of America, Der Rassist Bannon mentioned that President Vladimir Putin and President Devil-Eggs are the best comedy team since Laurel and Hardy.”
Oh, this just looks like President Devil-Eggs ran out of real information and is now spamming with ads for his crap to everyone across the entire United States. Really, the feature is only to send important government information and the United States President has sole access to this feature on Twitter since 2006. Well it does not surprise me that President Devil-Eggs has decided to abuse this privilege too by spamming us all the time with ads for his products. He also uses it to send alternative facts to fight the negative news about him from the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N. A. T. O.), the United Nations (U. N.)
I continue to read, “@ United States of America interested in indulging in a millionaire style experience? Then head on over to Dump in Toilets with Dirty Suites to experience my hotels.”
“@United States of America I mean my son’s Dumb Devil-Eggs and Dumb Err Devil-Eggs hotels. Do not worry we do not have any cameras. (Wink, wink, wink.)”
“@United States of America Don’t listen to Edward @Snowden and his rumors about cameras in my Dump in Toilets with Dirty Suites hotel rooms.”
“@United States of America Please ignore all of the rumors from @NATO about the laundry facilities at Dump in Toilets with Dirty Suites.”
“@United States of America We only wash the money that is dirty we do not wash any of the clean money there. No money laundering in my hotels believe me!”
“@United States of America got a few dollars lying around? Go to my casinos to have some fun. Remember winning is not the only thing that counts.”
“@United States of America losing your money with class is important too. My sons Dumb and Dumb Err will take care of you at my casinos if you are a high roller.”
“@United States of America want to make a little extra money in the real estate market bubble? Take courses at my Devil-Eggs University LLC.”
“@United States of America I will teach you all of the tricks in the housing market in America. Buy houses cheaply sell them for a profit. Learn my secret strategy.”
“@United States of America need a new suit to go with your $500 basketball shoes that you bought from Lonzo Ball? I have the best suits in the world.”
“@United States of America Don’t worry I have air conditioning in the sweat shops that make my suits in Asia or Africa I can’t remember the actual place.”
“@United States of America need to get somewhere in a hurry? Then rent my Devil-Eggs Jets by the hour. We do take credit cards and offer payment plans too.”
“@United States of America thirsty? Then buy my Devil-Eggs Ice water bottles. On sale now across the United States. Drink like a cheap ass billionaire.”
“@United States of America want to be a glamorous model? Send in your application to Devil-Eggs Model Management.”
“@United States of America love to play golf like a millionaire? Head on over to my golf courses since I will probably end up playing there too when I skip work today.”
I am bored of the ads while I check something out on YouTube.
I listen to the neighbors as they are probably throwing another party. My Mexican neighbors know how to party I can hear by the way that they are having fun next door. I look out the window while they are running around with their large sombreros and their ponchos. They have the music at full blast while they play their mariachi music for us. I see the children run around on the front lawn as they play soccer. I hear a loud noise from a parrot, a rooster, and a goat. I do not know what they are doing over there. Maybe a pirate brought a parrot. They are fighting roosters. I guess that they might even have some goats for the children to play with too. I send out a quick tweet from my account, “Mexican neighbors know how to party like its #CincoDeMayo on #ValentinesDay.” I turn off my phone.
I look at the two gems that they sent us with the ashes of my paternal grandparents who did not pass their death panel health evaluation after they went to the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps. I guess that my grandfather’s smoking was going to get him eventually. He had lung cancer but the government cut off his Medicare health coverage and Social Security paycheck. Pretty much, he had no money to pay for his medicines or the expensive chemotherapy. My poor grandmother had breast cancer and she ended up going to the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps for protesting against our President Führer Devil-Eggs taking away her Social Security pension and Medicare health coverage.
I begin to cry since it makes me feel depressed now. After a few minutes, I calm down knowing that I cannot do anything about my paternal grandparent’s deaths anymore. I know that my father Anthony misses his parents a lot but at least we have their ashes in these beautiful gems. I walk over to the living room to watch news since the television is a distraction from my sad life. The problem is that I have to watch Faux News if I want to know anything involving our government. Faux News is now the only channel that has coverage of President Devil-Eggs other than his Tweeter feed, which includes lots of spam for ads to his business interest. I guess that its Rush Limbaugh’s wet dream only to have one conservative channel capable of reporting on the president or the government.
President Devil-Eggs banned the other reporters from covering any of the news related to any branch of the government including local, state, and federal. Mostly this ban just affects the liberal channels I guess. There are still stories about crime and bad news on the other liberal channels.
The reporter from Faux News begins, “Alternative facts state that we are doing quite well in our war against members of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N. A. T. O.). Remember that our North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N. A. T. O.) enemies include the following countries: Albania, Belgium, Bosnia & Herzegovina, Bulgaria, Croatia, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Iceland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Montenegro, Netherlands, Norway, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Turkey, United Kingdom, Canada, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Iraq, Iran, Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Kuwait, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Bangladesh, Egypt, Algeria, Morocco, Ethiopia, and Niger. Our Best Friends Forever (B. F. F.) Alliance is doing well in Europe, the Middle East, Africa, and Asia. Our great President Führer Devil-Eggs promises to build new Devilcare Death Panels & Camps for members of North Atlantic Treaty Organization (N. A. T. O.), Muslims, mentally ill, physically disabled, and social misfits, or their bastard offspring. President Führer Devil-Eggs will bring about the new Vierte Reich or Fourth Reich to America since Nazi Germany already used up the Third Reich. America First and racist till the end. All hail Führer Devil-Eggs! The Fascist Coalition is doing well in the newest polls conducted by Faux News. Blue Party projected to lose power soon as Fascist Coalition will hold all power in America. The Government of the Racist (G. O. P.) or Red Party, American Nazi Party, Alternative Right Party, America First Party, American Freedom Party, American Independence Party, National Socialist Movement Party and Ku Klux Klan Party will soon hold all the power in America too. Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment Der Rassist Bannon inaugurates the Joseph Goebbels Building in Washington District of Columbia to house the new Ministry of Propaganda and Enlightenment. American Gestapo coming to a house near you. Always inform on those that seek to destroy our Nazi style government. Our live coverage of President Führer Devil-Eggs speech will begin with a preview show. Don’t forget to watch Clown Presidents on the Faux Network on Sunday night right after The Simpsons.”
This is all somewhat boring so I turn off the television to concentrate on something else.
I am getting ready for my mid winter vacation which will take place from February 20 to February 24, 2017 only a few more days remain until then. I do enjoy my breaks from school. I am a junior at Roosevelt High School here in Seattle, Washington. My birthday is on October 20. Since I am, still only, seventeen I cannot really vote and I missed casting my vote in the controversial 2016 Presidential Election too.
I was rather excited for the opportunity to rehearse my lines for the lead role in the play Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve. Now not so much since they took away my lead in the play Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve giving me a smaller role in some new play about President Führer Devil-Eggs. I plan to work on my part in the play Deplorables Are Lemmings. Yes the dumb movie and play that Der Rassist Bannon our Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment made to inform everyone about the Führer Devil-Eggs greatness. I cannot believe how popular the movie is but if people continue to see other dumb movies they might as well watch this one too. I suspect that Deplorables Are Lemmings is actually just a plot to ruin my damn acting career by taking away my role in the Play Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve. How am I going to move to New York to be on Broadway when I am playing bit roles in stupid plays like Deplorables Are Lemmings at school? The worst part is that now I cannot even put on my resume that I was the lead role in the Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve in Seattle, Washington because of this. This new change has really ruined me in far too many ways. I want to be the lead role in the play and not just another filler or background character. I was born to play the lead role in the Play Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve.
Now they gave me a few lines to memorize in the Deplorables Are Lemmings play, which should not be so difficult considering that I have a stupid small part in it. I will play one of the many Deplorables or peeps from our President Führer Devil-Eggs. They are casting me as a Deplorable woman, who loves Führer Devil-Eggs, has premenstrual syndrome (P. M. S.), expresses her emotions strongly, and is obsessed with stopping abortion and a religious Christian fanatic. I have to carry a stupid sign around that reads: ‘End abortion in America. Only Führer Devil-Eggs can decide who lives and who dies. All hail Führer Devil-Eggs!’ Everyone in the crowd is going to do that dumb chant too, ‘All hail Führer Devil-Eggs!’ while placing their hand in the air pretending to tap someone’s skull.
Really, they are just wasting my acting talent and giving me a piece of shit role in the new, Deplorables Are Lemmings play. I probably should have just quit the play the moment that they took away my lead in the Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve but my mother Katelyn had to convince me to do it. She insisted that it was childish of me to quit after they took away my lead part in the Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve. I still do not know. I hate to be just another person in the crowd. I enjoy the attention way too much to settle for a bit role in a dumb play even if it has the approval of the government. I quickly reread my few lines while I raise my hands pretending to carry a stupid sign. These lines of dialogue are really terrible and I can tell that in any other country this Deplorables Are Lemmings movie and play would fail. Since we are at war and the Deplorables seem to shine in society it will probably end up being a box office hit even if it’s a stupid movie. I scream out while crying and pretending to tell a woman trying to go into Planned Parenthood, “Stop in the name of the love that you have for the Führer and America! Do not kill the unborn fetus. Let the baby live! End abortion in America. Only Führer Devil-Eggs can decide who lives and who dies. All hail Führer Devil-Eggs!” Of course, everyone will cheer and scream ‘All hail Führer Devil-Eggs!’ A total silence overwhelms the room.
I hear someone at the door opening up with a key.
I guess that my mother Katelyn must be home early from work. All of a sudden, my dad Anthony runs into the house like a maniac screaming that the government is going to kills us all. He usually does not act this crazy but after they took him to the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps for a death panel, health evaluation things changed. Maybe they did not treat him so well there. I wonder if he got out or if his release is only temporary. Maybe he passed his death panel health evaluation.
I see him running into the kitchen to look through the covers. Quickly he takes out all of the aluminum foil making a little aluminum foil hat placing it on his head. That is rather weird. Maybe he is on some sort of medication that they gave him at the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps.
He tells me, “Irene I can’t let them read my mind. Where is the sledgehammer that was in this corner?”
I tell him, “My mom took it to the garage next to the trashcan in the right hand side of the front part of our garage by the rolling suitcase.”
He runs then comes back into the house with a sledgehammer.
I ask him, “Dad can I have some money to watch the new Disney movie Star Wars: Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact Sequel? I still haven’t found a job and I need the money to get in the movie theater.”
I see him grab the sledgehammer and smash our government issued participation trophies. Then he goes to smash our participation trophy for perfect family.
He looks for something, “No of course not that movie franchise is on its last legs, and all of the new movies from this millennium are garbage. Star Wars is sending subliminal messages to everyone to make them believe that it is a good movie. All of the Star Wars movies are trash and full of brainwashing. I will not let you watch Star Wars: Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact Sequel I know that our Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment Der Rassist Bannon approves it. It only means that President Führer Devil-Eggs supports it. Do not watch that Star Wars garbage Irene it will only brainwash you too.”
He runs to the kitchen to smash another participation trophy while looking through the covers of the kitchen. He hands me something, “Here take the money but promise me that you will not watch that new Disney movie Star Wars: Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact Sequel.”
I grab the money from him while he continues to smash more of our participation trophies.
He goes to look at the gems with his parent’s ashes, “I can’t believe that they killed my parents at the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps. The alternative facts always mentioned that no one died at the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps. Well maybe if they didn’t have such expensive diseases that cost so much they could have lived longer. I guess that people who don’t pass their death panel health evaluation die. My dad’s smoking only led him to have that terrible lung cancer. Poor mom she developed breast cancer and I couldn’t even afford to pay for her healthcare.”
I walk over to him giving him a hug, “It is okay dad. I know that you tried but healthcare is so expensive now. You really were never going to be able to afford the chemotherapy or the medicines after our United States Congress eliminated the Affordable Care Act or Obamacare. Too bad that President Devil-Eggs decided to cut Medicare health coverage for all Americans. That program would have covered their medical needs. It also sucks that he cut out the Social Security pension to invest it in the war. I miss my grandparents too. These gems are beautiful.”
My father kisses the gems with the ashes of my grandparents.
Then he goes back to smashing the trophies, “Irene I need to get rid of them quickly before the American Gestapo find out that we are not sending them images. This aluminum hat is going to prevent them from reading my mind. I think that it’s terrible that the government did not want to spend any money on their healthcare. Well now, the government has destroyed Obamacare and Medicaid. Soon President Devil-Eggs will cleanse the country of the sick and give all of the money to his rich one percent friends as tax refunds. Those Devilcare Death Panels & Camps are the worst. I couldn’t stay in there anymore.”
I ask him, “Did they release you from the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps already? How was your psychological treatment and death panel health evaluation? I hope that they taught you some techniques in managing your anger and stress dad. Getting a free death panel health evaluation is important according to all the commercials that our Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment Der Rassist Bannon stars in. I hope that you learned something important in there dad.”
He shakes his head giving me an evil smile, “Hell no! I did not fall for the brainwashing, as the other stupid Deplorable’s who are dumb. I just escaped the stupid Devilcare Death Panels & Camps. Those places are terrible and they treat you like garbage. They were going to turn me into a beautiful gem like they did to my parents. I couldn’t let them turn me into a gem. Once they labeled me insane, they were going to kill me Irene. That was just an excuse to get me inside of the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps since I am not sick. This is all part of President Devil-Eggs Intelligenzaktion program. He is trying to get rid of all of the intelligentsia, teachers, priest, doctors, social workers, judges, political activist, liberals, Crooked Hillary supporters, protesters, veterans, business owners, and underground leaders. He already has killed, jailed, or sent to the Devilcare Death Panels & Camps all of the people who are not stupid Deplorable sheep like his followers. Soon the public executions will begin to get rid of anyone who opposes the Nazi fascist government of President Führer Devil-Eggs. There will be massive graves where the American Gestapo will dump our bodies in Irene. You must believe me. I know that this sounds crazy but I am not crazy. I am one of the only ones that knows about this because I have studied history in depth and we are in a Nazi German like place thanks to the Führer and his Government of the Racist (G. O. P.) supporters. Now give me your electronics so that I can destroy them too Irene! Do not let the government know any of your thoughts or internet activity for that matter. Hurry up and hand me your electronics my dear!”
I scream at him when he destroys my participation trophy for perfect attendance from school, “Stop this is insane! What are you doing? Use some of the techniques that they taught you to take out your stress in a more productive manner dad. Hey, I got that for perfect attendance. Nobody is even there every day except for me since President Führer Devil-Eggs came to power. I deserve that award. Calm down and use the techniques from your psychological classes to calm down.”
He comes back with, “Those camps are less like psychological treatment centers for stress or mental problems and more like Nazi Concentration Camps. I have to get rid of the cameras the government is watching us. The government is going to get us. The Nazi government is back in power. I have to destroy their power to watch me and mess with my thoughts. This is like the show Big Brother but without the prize for winning the competition. Clown Presidents is brainwashing us all. That garbage of Star Wars: Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact Sequel is brainwashing us. Do not watch any of the Star Wars movies they are garbage. Disney ruined Star Wars movies for everyone!”
Maybe he should not have watched each of the Big Brother seasons I begin to think while he continues to smash things. That show did help fuel his paranoid imagination about someone watching our every move at home for his or her entertainment.
Now that the government hands out these cool participation trophies with a huge round black ball on top that looks exactly like a security camera that they have in the stores it does not surprise me that he is so paranoid.
Our Minister of Propaganda and Enlightenment and President Devil-Eggs has already told us using alternative facts that the participation trophies are not really cameras. What a relief to know that the alternative facts state that the trophies are not cameras.
I really do enjoy my participation trophies even if they are for odd things. I have won a few participation trophies at school for perfect attendance each month, shows up to gym class in military uniform each day, perfect smile, coolest Deplorable student, grab her by the kitty award, and my favorite is best hairstyle like the My Little Ponies characters. Yes, I do have rather beautiful hair. Thanks to my careful maintenance of my hair, I guess.
The government was nice enough to send us some participation trophies for each of our rooms in the house. Sometimes a little light will blink red on them like our smoke detectors. All of them must hang from the ceiling so that they can brighten our day the man who installed them from the National Security Agency (N. S. A.) mentioned to us. We must never cover our participation trophies since they need natural light to function he told us.
My dad climbs on a chair to destroy our participation trophies from the ceiling, “I have to smash everything that has a camera to view us. Let me smash your I phone, laptop, and the television in your room too.”
I see him smashing the television in the living room after he climbs down from the chair. I run away since he is going to destroy my things. I quickly hide my I phone from him. I am hiding the laptop from him when he smashes my television to pieces. Then he smashes all of the trophies that the government gave me for my accomplishments at school. He has that chair with him as he climbs it to smash the participation trophy from my rooms ceiling. I do not know what is wrong with him.
He continues to run around looking for my things, “I need to hurry since I only have a few hours before they notice that our home is not sending them any footage. Make sure not to call the American Gestapo Irene since it will give me less time to escape. Where are the electronics?”
I tremble, “I want them. You cannot destroy them dad. I need them to live! Life sucks without electronics and the internet. You paid some good money for those. Don’t destroy them dad. Please think of me for once.”
He pushes me aside, “Stop being so dramatic Irene you are not in your little play Nancy Drew: Another Easy Mystery to Solve. I am only trying to protect you from the government. Alternative facts are lies and not scientific proofs even if President Führer Devil-Eggs signed that executive order.”
Anthony runs to his room with the sledgehammer. I walk to follow him pleading with him to stop the insanity. Then he comes back for his chair. He begins to smash the television and all of the statues that the government gave us in his room. I run around looking for my mother. She is the only one that can calm him down.
Oh, she is still at work. This really does suck. I do not want to take out my cell phone to call her since he will smash it. Oh, crap guess its time to use the lame landline phone again. This old time phone is crappy and rather old school. Nobody in their right mind likes the landline phones when cell phones are so much nicer.
I pick up the receiver, “Siri please dial Katelyn.”
All I get is the stupid tone of beep silence. Oh yeah this thing does not have automatic voice dial. Why are landline phones so lame? Why can’t they be as cool as cell phones? Our cell phones are able to dial with just our voice. All I do is say my mother’s name and it calls for me thanks to the speed dial on my phone. That really does help if you do not have fingers or something like that. God how I hate life without cell phones I would just die if we did not live in a world with cell phones.
I quickly try to remember the phone number to my mother. I begin to press numbers on the phone’s keypad. After trying five different wrong phone number combinations and random people answering my calls, I stop trying. This really does suck I have it in the contacts of my cell phone. I do not have it memorized since I have to store so many phone numbers from my friends on there. I need to go back to my room to look for the phone number.
My dad finishes smashing a few more trophies that the government gave us around the house. Then he places the chair back in the kitchen.
He tells me, “If the American Gestapo come knock on the door three times and stall them while I run away. Do not call them because they will shoot me for escaping the stupid Devilcare Death Panels & Camps. Do you understand?”
I shake my head to agree. He runs to the restroom and locks the door behind him. I make it to my room locking the door. I quickly find the phone number coping it down on a piece of paper. I hide my cell phone once again just in case that my dad tries to smash it with a sledgehammer too. I make it to the landline phone dialing my mom.
I tell her excitedly, “Mom my dad is making a great big scene at home. You have to come home to talk to him. He smashed all of our stuff. He is acting all crazy. Please come down here to talk to him. My dad mentioned that I should not call the American Gestapo. Mom should I call the police my dad is acting all crazy?”
I breathe quickly.
She tells me in a calm tone, “Don’t worry I will be down there in a few minutes. Don’t call the police. Everything will be all right honey. I will take care of it.”
My dad comes out of the restroom his head completely shaved, as is his mustache. I think that he looks rather weird since he has the same hair do as the ex governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich. I notice that he is wearing a fake tan that you spray on your face mostly used during Halloween.
He asks me quickly, “When is Independence Day?”
I scoff at his dumb question, “Well it’s the same thing that it has been forever January 20, 2017.”
My dad shakes his head, “No that was changed when President Devil-Eggs became president. The correct date is July 4, 1776.”
I interrupt him, “No July 4 is We Love Führer Devil-Eggs Day. Independence day is still January 20 in America.”
He shakes his head, “Also do you know how old I am?”