I wonder; how should I start this? I could just make up a bullshit tale of love and romance and being swept off their feet from the hands of their lover, but let’s face it that tale is told a thousand times over. Take what you will with this one, this could be a real story or very much just another made up one. I will let you decide in the end either way I will never confirm it; so here goes.
2014 was the year of change for me. I was making my dreams happen. I had two goals for the New Year, one to become a published author and two to become a mother. The first of my goals happened, right now as I write this I am an author, and the second is still a work in progress I am afraid to say. This was not the end of the story, it was only the beginning and I had no way of seeing this one coming or even preparing for it. Everything that I thought I knew and that I loved would soon come into question. I am not a bad person, but I believe after you read this some of you will hate me for what I did.
My name is Jordan Connor. I am thirty one years old and have been married for coming up on seven years to Josh. We have good careers, a nice house and two cars. To everyone we lead a normal happy life. We laugh together, play together, make love twice a week and really have no major worries to throw our world out of balance. Sure we fight, every couple does and it would be weird if we didn’t.
When I went into this marriage I knew that starting a family would be difficult. Josh has had a bad hand dealt to him in terms of health and to make a long story short, he will never father a child. At the time being a twenty four year old that was completely in love with her husband to be I had no problem with it. I wanted to enjoy my twenties and focus on myself, my friends, this marriage and concentrate on getting myself established into a great career before even contemplating bringing a child into the mix. So the plan was at thirty, I would seek medical help in order get pregnant.
Thirty came and went and I never so much as tried. Why you may ask. Back in 2013, Josh had lost his job and we ran out of money. We needed to wait, so in the time being I did the things that made me happy. I spent time with my mom and dad, spent the weekends at camp with the extended family and did a lot of reading at the beach.
Back then I had been thinking about it, writing a story, why not. I had nothing to lose, I could write a better story than this peace of garbage that I am reading now, and so my first attempt at writing began and this new found hobby started a chain of events.
I finished my first draft within months, a full length one hundred thousand plus word novel. I had the luxury of being able to hand my work off to friends and family to proof read and help edit. While I waited for their feedback I started to work on the next steps which were learning how to publish and market this book.
I decided to get onto social media, and in November 2013 while my novel was being proof read, I started building my author profile by joining Twitter and creating a Facebook page.
You must be wondering why I am telling you this. What is the point of me giving the details into writing a book and wanting a family, and how does the social media side come into it? I may have lost you by now, but all of this will link together. You need to know this because it is important.
I wrote a book, published it and did all the marketing myself, so what right, so does a thousand others if not more. Bear with me; I am going to bring this story forward in time. I am jumping forward from November 2013 to July 2014. In that time, I marketed myself as an author, gained thousands of followers on social media, I wouldn't classify myself as a social media star but I believe that my online presence was starting to snowball, and that summer I published my book. I suppose I could pat myself on the back for all of the work and it was. It was a labor of love and this hobby of mine even generated a little extra pocket money mind you it wasn't enough to quit my day job but it was assurance that I was on track as a budding new author and that my book was a good start. We are only on page two and this isn’t the end either, please read on.
July 2014 was the most nerve racking month of my life. Finally my fertility treatment which is referred to as IUI, it stands for Intrauterine Insemination and it was going to be done that month. Josh and I could not conceive and I had to resort to using donor sperm. Everything was paid for, the donor was picked and our family and close friends were told. I was over the top excited, happy and ready to start the next chapter.
Both Josh and I went to the doctor’s office on a warm July morning and the procedure was done. It's a simple procedure, you lie on a table and the nurse comes in with the vial full of donor sperm, she puts it into some sort of elongated syringe, but instead of a needle it's a long thin tube that goes into your uterus so that the sperm can be placed as close to the egg as possible. Sounds yummy right? The procedure takes no more than fifteen minutes and most of the time is spent just lying on the table.
To be completely honest with you, it is an awkward procedure, you take something as intimate as love making and it is turned into an uncomfortable encounter at the doctor’s office. My nerves were all over the place, happy, shy and scared all at once.
We waited two weeks for the result and I was to go back into the doctor’s office to find out if I was pregnant. The thing is I started my period just days before the appointment and I lost my cool and completely broke down, and with it I also lost that strength and spark that I had.
The morning that I knew that It didn't work, I crept out of bed, clueless to what I was about to discover. In that moment, I felt good, happy and I had to pee so I headed to the washroom. As I wiped, that's when I knew. No, this can't be happening, I sat on the toilet in shock at my unsuspecting discovery, minutes go by and it sinks in. How could you be so stupid Jordan, I got myself excited for nothing, nothing. A tear runs down my cheek and I can't handle it, I wasn't prepared to be disappointed. Minutes go by and I urge myself, okay I can't just sit here, I need to get up. I wash up and head to my room, I can't face Josh; I can't. I crawl into my king size bed and start to sob uncontrollably, god I wanted this so bad, what do I tell him, what do I tell my parents and his?
Josh is an early riser and had been up and doing stuff around the house. He must have heard that I was up and comes into the bedroom moments later, "Hey I was waiting for you downstairs what’s..." He sees my face. "What's wrong?"
"It didn't work." I look up from the pillow.
“What do you mean; are you sure?"
"Josh it's too heavy to mistake it for something else, it didn't work." Saying it over again doesn’t help my state and I breakdown again and curl up into a ball.
Josh does what any man with a heart does; he stays and holds me. "Jordan it will happen. At least you know now and at least it never was; it would be harder I think if you had actually lost a child." His blue eyes show concern as they look into mine and he gently rubs my back.
"I know" is all I can say but his speech doesn't stop the tears rolling down my face. He stays with me for a while but it's of no use.
After some time Josh with caution in his voice eventually says. "Jordan I need to head into work, you can either stay here, and be upset over something that never happened or you can get dressed and make something of your day. It will happen." He stops rubbing my shoulder and gets off the bed to get ready.
In between sobs I say, "I know, I just need to get this out of my system and I’ll be fine."
It was hard in the beginning, telling my family and close friends that it hadn't worked. I got the encouraging speeches; the, it will work next time speeches etc. Hours turned to days, which turned into a couple of weeks and I got passed it by focusing back on promoting myself as an author and getting myself in a state to try again in a month or two.
At some point before the weekend Mom and Dad invite me up to camp and I accept their invitation. I could use a break and besides Josh will be working and would rather not stay home alone. I look forward to seeing my mom and dad and spending the weekend up at the river.
Saturday morning I wake up in my mom and dad’s camper. They have one of those goose neck trailers that has a full bedroom and bathroom equipped with a sink, shower stall and toilet, that would rest over a truck bed and stepping down to the main area is a living room and kitchen that tip out giving more space with its open concept layout. I am snuggled beneath the sheets on the pull out couch in the living room; Dad is up and is already outside. I can see him on the deck just outside my window, and the coffee machine is on and gurgling as it's brewing, the smell of a medium blend fills the air. I lay there in bed for a few minutes and grab my phone to play with.
I open up Twitter, wow more followers. For every follower that I receive, I send them a personal message, thanking them for following and providing a link to my book. This morning is no different.
Follow, copy, paste, follow, copy, paste is what I do in Twitter and even then I had no idea what would become of a copy, paste of a message to a complete stranger. I never knew that this one person would make me question everything.
I receive a message back, "Hi there, thanks for following me back. You sure are popular. I write too. Here are my links, here are my websites, and I am also on Wattpad."
Wow, this guy sends a lot of messages. I politely respond, "No problem, happy to connect with someone that has the same interests."
He responds back, "I am so proud of my work and I hope you enjoy what I posted on Wattpad."
Oh boy, do I have time to commit to another book right now? I sit up and I respond, "Your book sounds interesting, but I don't have Wattpad. I’ll have to download it once I'm home."
He responds, "Oh, how are you enjoying the weekend?"
I sigh should I answer this, should I be worried about what I tell this stranger? I take a moment and look at his sites to see who he actually is. He is an author, he has a decent biography, seems like a nice guy. It won't hurt to share with him a little bit more, "I am spending the weekend up at camp with my mom and dad."
He replies back, "Oh that must be nice, I used to live up north, not far from you, Rochester."
He must have seen the city where I live from my Twitter biography. I answer, "Oh yes, I would be a few hours north of Rochester, so I see that you live in Texas? P.S. Cowboys are yummy, just saying."
"Yep, been here for five years, but really I'm a Yankee. I miss it, the seasons."
I respond, "I love warm temperatures, you are lucky to not have to deal with snow."
"I admit the warm weather is nice but I miss living up north."
I answer him, "Have you seen my Twitter picture from last winter, all that snow. I can't stand cleaning the driveway."
He answers back, "Yes, I guess that would be the not so fun part."
I want to wrap this up but don't want it to sound too curt, I'm hungry, I’ll write this, "It is right around breakfast time for me, I'm going to step away to eat. I’ll have to get Wattpad to read your work and will get to it soon. Have a great day and thanks for the chat."
I send the message and shortly after he responds. "I’ll take a look at your book too. Thank you and enjoy your weekend up at camp, Bye."
I put my phone down not thinking anything more. Mom has come down from the bedroom and is in the kitchen putting breakfast together.
She asks, "So were you looking at your book sales again?"
"No just sending out messages to my Twitter peeps, that's all." I get out of the pull out bed and join mom in the kitchen, putting some bread in the toaster and make a glass of chocolate milk. Basically the day goes by as planned. We eat, I go for a walk with mom, come back and relax, eat lunch then go to the beach to read, sunbathe, swim and then dinner time arrives and soon we are into the later hours of the night. The day was a good one and by the next day I hate to say it, but the person that I had been talking to on Twitter I had already forgotten his name. I forgot about the promise I made, to look at his work and download Wattpad. I forgot. I didn't mean to, it's just with family here social media sort of takes a back seat to reality. Well, back then it did.
A week goes by and this weekend proves to be the same as the last. Josh is working the entire weekend again and I find myself back up at camp to spend time with my mom and dad.
I wake all snuggled up in bed, with my parent’s Chihuahua keeping me company this morning. I reach over for my phone that was charging on the shelf and I work on my social media, there is a message in my inbox that reads, “Hello, hope that you had a great week.”
Oh my god, it's him, the person that I chatted with last week. I recognize his photo and read his name, Devon, that's his name. I have to remember him this time. It all comes flooding back; I forgot to look at his work, oh no! He is probably going to ask.
I answer back, "Hey, how are you?"
Devon responds, "I am good, it's a bright sunny day where I am, are you up at camp this weekend?"
Wow, he pays attention. "Yes, just spending time up at camp with Mom and Dad."
"Oh that must be nice. What are your plans for today?"
"I am going to go for a walk in a bit, may jump into the hot tub and sunbathe later, how about you?"
"I am working on the final scene to my novel."
Oh no, we are going there. What do I say? I make up a lie, "I have been having problems with getting Wattpad to download. I haven't read your sample yet but I plan to."
I wait and he responds, "That is okay. I want to tell you something and hope that you don't get bothered by it."
I reply, "Ok" Is he going to comment on my own book?
"I hope you don't think any different of me. There is a scene I am writing, it's an intimate scene and I hope that when you read it, that it doesn’t change your opinion of me."
What the hell could he be referring to? Wow, I hope he hasn’t written some really messed up stuff. I answer, "As long as it’s nothing weird like eating each other’s poop, I'll be ok with it. Please don't tell me that it is anything messed up." I reply with a sad face and wait, oh god; there is a pause with his response. I am biting my nails over here.
He answers, "Laughing over here, no it's just a good old fashioned romp in the hay. It's intimate and my fantasy."
I exhale okay good this is still a normal sounding guy, “Okay, I won’t mind it and am actually looking forward to reading it.” He has me curious now. Let me see, can I get this Wattpad with the weak reception here at camp? I love my phone but at the same time, I hate it because sometimes a simple download can prove to be difficult. Sure enough, I do the search and the application loads onto my screen, wonderful!
“I got Wattpad to work. I am trying to find you, are you using a pen name?"
“Yes, try D. Chambers.”
I find his sample, “Great, I got it.”
“Okay wonderful. I got to grab yours too, I am on it.”
“Thanks Devon, I’ll write a review when I am finished.”
“Okay great, I’ll do the same, I promise.”
“Alright, well I’m going to go start my day, talk to you later.”
Wow what a nice guy. I put down my phone after looking at his profile picture; he is pretty cute, short brown hair, brown eyes, clear complexion, he is yummy with that masculine look to him, he appears confidant. I wonder what he is like in person. Anyway, it’s not like anything would come of it, I am married. I think he likes me, I can’t put my finger on it but I sense something and it’s a nice feeling to know that I still have it.
The day passes by just as last weekend, like a routine, a welcomed and loved routine with my parents and after dinner; I share a couple of drinks with Mom in the camper. We laugh together, talk and eventually settle down for a bit. I pull out my phone to check Twitter as my mom fills her glass. I have a new message from Devon.
“Hey, I can’t believe the amount of growth in the amount of people following you.” I chuckle; yes I can’t explain it either. I have thousands of followers right now and I seem to gain between thirty and fifty per day.
I decide, what the hell, I will respond to him, “Yes it’s funny how I have so many. I think once you reach a thousand, something changes, well it did for me and more people seem interested and willing to follow.”
A few moments pass; it doesn’t surprise me because it looks as though his last comment was sent earlier in the day.
My mom interrupts my day dreaming. “Hey, who are you talking to Jordan?”
“Oh just my Twitter peeps mom.”
She laughs, “How many do you have now?”
“Over six thousand” I smile after saying the number. Six thousand, I don’t even know six thousand people; I may know four hundred at the most.
She laughs, “Why do you think they are even following you?”
“Oh, I don’t know mom. I tweet messages every day, maybe they like what I say?”
She laughs, “Have you ever asked them why they follow you? It’s not like you are famous or anything.” She says this comment not in a hurting way. She is being silly after having a few glasses of wine and I chuckle at her for saying it.
“I haven’t, would you like me to ask them?” I stick my tongue out at her.
Devon still hasn’t responded to my last comment, but I decide to ask him anyway because I think he understands my personality and won’t take offence. This is off topic, but I find with talking to people from different countries that sometimes they don’t understand the meaning that is intended when I write to them. I know that some take offense to conversations that were meant to be light hearted. Anyway, back to the question. I decide that Devon is my man to best answer.
“Hey, I have a question for you. I am not drunk or anything, well I had a couple of glasses of wine with my mom but I need to ask you something?” I click send.
I look up at mom and she asks, “So what did they say?”
“Mom I just asked the question I think they may be away from their computer at the moment. Oh wait I have a message.”
I jump for joy inside; there he is my Twitter guy. “Hey Jordan ask away” He adds a smiley face.
“My mom and I want to know why you are following me. We just don’t understand how I have so many followers.” I type it, oh man, if he reads this the wrong way he may take me for being conceited. God I hope that my instincts don’t let me down.
“Drinking are we? I am laughing over here. Well, I followed you because you and I are both writers; I think we have the same interests.”
I smile at his friendly reply, okay he didn’t take it the wrong way, I look up at my mom and say, “I got an answer.”
She winks at me, “Do tell.”
I read his response to her and smile, but that isn’t the end of this conversation with Devon he asks his own questions, “Why are you following me?”
I had a feeling he may ask, “I followed you back for the same reasons. I try to follow back people who follow me.”
He explains, “I am honestly flattered that such a beautiful person like you is following and you are popular here, on Twitter.”
This guy is smooth; I smile, “Thank you Devon, from seeing your photo you seem like quite the catch and about the popularity, I actually don’t get a lot of people who talk to me even though I send a message to them. A lot of them are fellow artists and most of their tweets are just to promote their work, books and such.”
“Why thank you! I’m smiling over here. Yes, I get that off of Twitter, I seem to be stuck at the four hundred follower mark and none of them really talk. You are pretty well the only one I talk to on here.”
“Yes me too, I get some light hearted conversations, but I have to admit, that you are the person I talk to most.”
Devon answers, “Wow, I am so flattered. I am not taking up your time am I?”
“Not at all, I like talking to you and I make time for the things that make me happy.”
“You seem like a great person inside and out, I am happy that we stumbled upon each other.”
“Yes me too, well I hate to cut this short, but I am with family right now so I got to go be social. I will talk to you later.”
Devon replies, “Okay, have a great night.”
Oh man, I feel like a teenager crushing over this complete stranger. What the hell is coming over me, I have to put my phone down. We have only had a few conversations and can’t explain it; I am starting to feel something.
Mom starts up the conversation, “I think Dad and your uncle built a campfire, I see some light over there. Did you want to take a walk over and see what everyone else is doing?”
“Yes, let’s go be social.”
The weekend goes by and I read Devon's work. His main character is a woman. This guy has got to be off the market. My guess is his main character is based off of a girlfriend. It has got to be, she has too much spunk. I find a lot of authors struggle with characters of the opposite sex but this guy seems to have this girl down pat. I will need to ask him whenever we talk next. Wow, I am so glad that I gave his book a chance and think I learned something about him with reading the sample.
After this weekend I don’t forget my Twitter friend’s name, Devon, sounds strong and he has a fire in his eye, I wonder how old he is? Anyway, back to reality and Josh.
This summer has proved to be a challenging one. I haven’t seen Josh much. He is always working, and when he is around, he is cranky, miserable and to be honest I begin to cherish the time that I have away from him. When we are together, it’s like he is always looking for something, anything to argue about, it could be as small as a dish being left out that sets him up for nagging. I hate it, dread it and sometimes wish I could just leave, step out of my life and never return.
Sometimes I wonder if he even loves me anymore. How can someone be so mean to a person that they hardly see?
Our relationship wasn't always like this. The man I had fallen in love with was once a happy and out going. He was the one that would grab everyone's attention in a room and make others smile with his silly sense of humor. He was a kid at heart and most people when they first meet him end up liking him once they understand his playful manor.
I met Josh after graduating college at my first job in the technical field. I was training in technical support and he was a senior support staff and was basically a mentor for all of the new hires. At first I took no notice of him, well I did notice him because I wasn't afraid to ask for help when I needed it but what I meant to say was at the time he was just another tech guy in the office and I didn't think anything more.
Over the weeks as I progressed with the job my questions slowed as I got more comfortable with my work but Josh's presence was still like it was on my first days. It wasn't long before we shared our breaks together. At first it was just hanging out in the office cafeteria then it turned into trips to the local coffee shop and eventually turned into hanging out after work. First it was at the local bar and grill but eventually it turned into sleeping over at his home.
Long story short we were engaged after three months of dating and married within a year of meeting. We were hopeless romantics and crazy about each other back then. I wish that our relationship could take a step back in time so that I can feel that passion that we had, once more.
Now the weeks are tiresome, we get up early, get ready for work and Josh begins the morning ritual with a, “Would you please do this first or, why did you put that there?” It always sounds negative instead of a simple, “Good morning”.
I can’t take it. I just grind my teeth and do what he is nagging about so that I don't have to waste another moment with him. Almost seven years and I wonder how much longer I can deal with this, with him. Should I deal with it? I could leave him, what would my life be like? I catch myself asking these questions more often than not. Do I even love him anymore?
We take separate cars to work today which is to my relief. I can enjoy the radio and the solitude. My mind starts to wonder away from Josh as I make the commute to work along the highway. I should write a review for this guy, Devon, yes I’m going to on my lunch break, why not, it was a good start to his story. It turns out it was just a sample of a few chapters, what a great tease. Maybe I should use Wattpad as a platform for others to sample my own work?
Lunch time comes and I remain in the office and write and publish a positive review to his Wattpad. I wonder if Devon gets notified of the review right away. I better send a message just to make sure he sees it and if he hates it I can remove it right away.
I send him a message, “Hey Devon I finally finished reading your sample and wrote a review on Wattpad, have a look, tell me what you think and if you don’t like it, I can always remove it.” I wonder how often he checks his messages. Anyway back to the grind I suppose, my work email is almost full. An hour or so goes by and I check my phone while I take a break for a bit, to my joy I see that he has responded.
"Oh hey Jordan, thank you so much, I just saw it. Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what's up?"
"Would you mind if I posted your review on my website?"
"I don't mind, it's your review."
"Thank you!" He replies.
I remember his sexy, smart, and spunky main character and get the nerve to ask him, "So, I have to ask, the main person in your story is she based on your girlfriend?"
"Ha ha no, she is just a fantasy girl that I made up; my fantasy girl. It would be nice if my partner read my book but she just isn't interested, it’s a shame. What about you? Does your husband read your book?"
My heart stops at his question. We have been talking now for the last couple of weeks, flirting and well, I guess it was honest chatter, so to my disappointment I start to talk about Josh. "No, well he started to read my book but he couldn't keep at it and eventually put it down. It just wasn't his kind of novel. It's too bad because I did base a couple of my characters on him."
Devon responds, "Yes that is a shame really. I wish mine would but you can't force someone to do something that they don't want to do. I am so happy that you liked my sample. I really think it’s going to be my break out novel. In the New Year, I plan to take a trip to Victoria, that’s where I based my story. I’m planning on going with my brother."
"I have been there, you should visit the harbor, ride the ferries and even for me, I'm from Canada, but the west coast feels like you are in another country."
"How is that?"
"We'll, where I am from it's a bilingual city, English and French but over there on the west coast you will be the minority, there are lots of Asians."
"Oh, ha ha ha so you are telling me it will feel like I am in China?"